"We all have to go home sometime." That was what Gary, our Uber Driver, told us on the way to Edinburgh Airport when I mentioned I was sad to leave Scotland. I'd been in the UK for the last ten days with my sister, Abby, adventuring for half, and attending a writing retreat led by one of my favorite authors: Maggie Steifvater. Gary is right, of course, with his superb Scottish accent and love of Kate Busch and Stranger Things.
I missed my dog, my family, my life. I missed my corner of the world, and the certainty that comes with securely knowing your place within it. I even missed my job, and my co-workers, and the feeling you get from doing your job well and earning a living you are proud of. But it’s the oddest feeling: to miss all of that, to look forward to reunions, and hugs, and normalcy, and my dog being so deliriously happy to see me.
But I’ve also been plotting this adventure for months now. Convincing myself to actually go despite how terrified I was. And to have done the thing I’ve been looking forward to and dreading for so long is odd—bittersweet even. This part of the journey is over, and I get to ask myself the really fun (and not at all difficult question of): what happens now/next?
I hope that, at least once in your life, you have the opportunity to have run a hard race, fought a good fight, and won it. Not that there won’t be other races to run or fights to fight, but I wish you the opportunity to see a journey through to its fruition. To come out the other side of it decidedly marking a moment of time as “before” a thing occurred and “after.” I wish you the thrill of anticipation and the pride in completion.
This particular journey might be over, but I am far from done.
I left for Scotland and, more specifically, for this writerly adventure with a few goals in mind.
I hoped to confidently orient myself/navigate a foreign city: explore new places without the reassuring walls of a resort or hotel (my usual holiday haunts).
I wanted to get “unstuck.” My manuscript has been stuck, after a year in revision, in so many ways. Any not being able to see a way out was starting to make me feel that it was a pointless endeavor and, worse, a gigantic waste of time. I hoped to find a bit of inspiration, some of the spark that made me fall in love with the idea in the first place.
I wanted to figure out where my book belonged. Stuck making a choice—deciding one’s place—is a rotten, soul-sucking thing. The indecision makes you feel like you don’t belong anywhere. It’s hard to see that maybe you’re “seeing a need and filling it” when you don’t see a precedent for your book, and begin to think maybe this story never needed to exist at all.
My sense of victory and that excitement for the future ahead—I accomplished all of that on this trip (and more that I hadn’t realized I needed or wanted). I thought this adventure was going to be primarily about words. Find the right ones, cutting the wrong ones. What I did not expect was for this to also be about people.
The people I’m writing this story for. I know my why: I want to write fun, adventure stories for women whose lives are only JUST BEGINNING after the hit 25+.
The people/characters within my story I want so desperately for you to meet one day and to care about as much as I do.
Getting to better know people close to me, like my travel companion and sister, Abby. We are more alike that I could have ever realized.
Letting myself know people I’ve never met and cherishing the time we had together so dearly. For someone who shies away from people in real life (and strictly avoids seeking out anyone new), I couldn’t believe the connections I made this week, the conversations had, and the dreams shared. I missed so much of home, but I’ve never felt this kind of comradery from such a diverse group of perfect strangers. We were all, impossibly, linked by the same simple joy of finding each other in the equally impossible short span of 5 days.
The people who have reached their own victories and, even when recognizing there are battles yet to fight, still reached back to help those around them. The genuine mentorship, care, and passion I felt from our three instructors/three-headed goddess is something truly unique and awe-some (literally, inspiring awe). I’ll never forget it, and I cherish it even more deeply in recognizing it for the rarity that it is.
People seeing me, knowing me, still being interested in knowing me and, like me, wishing us all the very best success and truest happiness.
That’s a lot, right? For just 5 days?
There’s more.
I was able to marvel at the strength and beauty of my new body. Something I’ve worked so hard to attain (and love). To climb (almost) mountains, wander the streets of new cities for hours, buckle my seatbelt in a plane without an extender, take photo after photo in new place after place and to not just see and love me, but to see happiness and such joy in me. What a wonder.
To recognize that I’ve been holding myself back from new travel opportunities, especially solo ones, out of fear or intimidation of new places or even just the simple fear of leaving a well-loved routine. And discovering that I’m only getting started, and braver and more capable that I’ve ever realized? Priceless.
Recognizing that, personally, I’m at a crossroads. I’m facing big, scary decisions ahead. Decisions that have weight and consequence not just for myself, but for so many people I love. I don’t know what path I’m going to choose yet, or how I’ll make it through the consequence of either choice, but I’m so very, very lucky to have a family and a rare and special community who loves me dearly either way. And, in spite of the agony of choosing, I’m so excited for the opportunities the future holds. Another marvel in and of itself.
So when I say I’ve had a pretty transformative experience over the last ten days, I’m not exaggerating. I’m coming home, as we all must, with hope, and—most wonderfully—with excitement. I don’t know what kind of spell Scotland cast over me, but that’s as close as I’ve come to pure magic in a very long time. I don’t know exactly what comes next and, to quote some book or movie somewhere, “isn’t that exciting?”
There are a few goals I do have in mind to start with. At the beginning of these retreat, I was asked to fill out a goal card with my aspirations for:
1. The first day
2. The end of the week
3. The end of the season (summer)
4. The end of the year (or a year)
The first half I completed, surpassing even my own expectations. The second half is driving me forward now. I have my eye on the prize, and I won’t stop until I’ve won. There future is woven of dreams, and I can’t wait to see where it leads.
So, as a final reflection, let me end with this. The next opportunity or adventure that intrigues, ensnares, or terrifies you: DO IT. The more it scares you, the more you probably need it. You have no idea the kind of magic you could be creating.
And I can’t wait to see what you make of it.
Xoxo,
Allora
What Happens Next:
Write New Idea/Something that Interests Me/Person I’d like to write about every week.
Make "Check-Off" Writing Schedule (Give me that Dopamine!)
Revision Deadline: Friday, 8/19/2022
Begin Querying; Monday, 8/22/2022
Draft "pilot episode" script to accompany query
Go on a fun hike every weekend
Start planning next adventure ❤
